The Art of Being “Too Much”

The Fear of “Too Much”

One of the most universal fears I have seen in clients, friends, and, honestly, myself, has been:

“I am too much.”

When I look at the person who verbally — or more often non-verbally — signals this fear, I have a very rich assortment of hypotheses about how they were raised and what kinds of relationships shaped them.

In the therapy room, it’s usually brought up as a wound that others failed to heal.And how dare they?

But staying in that place takes something away from the person. It risks reinforcing the idea that we’re powerless — when the real healing often comes from reclaiming our agency.

The Shadow We Run From

This belief usually lives in what’s popularly called a shadow, and often becomes something we unconsciously run from.

In that way, we end up accepting it as a truth so deep it silently colors our entire reality.

People who are “too much” usually don’t want to be (it goes without saying). They shrink, they dim their light, and they spoon-feed themselves to the people around them with such patience that the anger in them grows more radiant with each spoonful.

But that isn’t even the most tragic part.

It’s that by believing we are too much, we seek out the people to whom we are too much, and then put on them the full weight of this core wound.

Seeking the “Normies”

These can be good people — good partners, friends, lovers — but that doesn’t make them good for us.

Because what’s behind the belief of being too much is usually some kind of separation from the norm. Or at least a deep dissonance between how we were expected to act, especially in childhood, and who we actually are.

And so, we seek out the “normies,” hoping to prove that we belong.

Confronting the Fear Directly

We could, like many therapists do, delve into the past and carefully examine the experiences that validated this fear. However, that often brings us back to a sense of powerlessness.

In my experience, it’s more painful, more threatening, but always more useful to confront the fear directly.

Are we too much?

Too much of what?

And what do we do if that really is the case?

The Abundance We Hide

I honestly love working with people who think they’re too much.

Because what I hear when they speak is:

There is something in me I want to bring into the world, but I am treating it as if it is ugly, redundant, or destructive.

And when we reframe the earlier questions, they can become:

What is this abundance I’ve been forbidden to explore?

Building Capacity for “Too-Much-ness”

Of course, working with someone in the therapy room isn’t as simple as flipping a belief on its head.

In therapy, we work hard to build an internal capacity for too-much-ness. We break it apart into palatable pieces. We learn to heal the belief in the presence of people who can truly hold us, and who are willing to do that work with us.

We learn to differentiate what we need and reach toward the people who can carry a piece of the puzzle.

It can be a long process, depending on many factors. But it’s always rewarding, fulfilling, and, honestly, magical — to the client and the therapist.

Offering a Structure of Acceptance

This is the part of my work I truly enjoy: offering unconditional acceptance as a structure until the client is ready to build one of their own.

Each person has their own personal adventure with too-much-ness. No story is the same. The fears may be articulated in the same way, but they almost always point to a deeply personal truth — one that takes creativity, patience, and faith to reconstruct into something else.

And that “something else” is usually unique, authentic, and enriching to their relationships and their life.

Final Thoughts

It was Leo Tolstoy who said:

“All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.”

And I dare to disagree.

Letting yourself feel joy usually means being brave enough to find out who you are, what you need, and what you’re not getting.

To close, I’ll leave you with a quote from Women Who Run with the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estés:

“Having a lover/friend who regards you as a living growing criatura, being, just as much as the tree from the ground, or a ficus in the house, or a rose garden out in the side yard... having a lover and friends who look at you as a true living breathing entity, one that is human but made of very fine and moist and magical things as well... a lover and friends who support the criatura in you... these are the people you are looking for. They will be the friends of your soul for life. Mindful choosing of friends and lovers, not to mention teachers, is critical to remaining conscious, remaining intuitive, remaining in charge of the fiery light that sees and knows.”